Ok i’m back. Don’t kill me. I’m aware that its been about 3 months, if not more since I’ve last written, and my last attempt at a blog post [a couple weeks ago, you may or may not have seen it], was a complete and utter disaster which was live for a whole 20 hours before deleting it. It was a rant, to say the least, which I realized could’ve been very easily misinterpreted if you had not read my previous posts. I deleted it after getting a nasty comment [directed towards Muslims] from an random person on Google. The Middle East has enough misconceptions, I didn’t want to contribute to it.

It is impossible to sum up the last 3 months. I left Amman for winter break, traveling to Tel Aviv, Paris, and Istanbul for 3 weeks, remembered what first world countries look like, and returned to Amman with a completely different view, and mindset of the place I had been living in for the past 4 months. Not only did I have to leave the Eiffel Tower and Tel Aviv beaches for shit-hole-Amman [comparatively of course], but all of the things that I had previously embraced as “cultural differences” seemed annoying, and often intolerable. I’m not talking about the small things such as “Arab time” (showing up a half hour-two hours after you say you are going to), or peeing in a whole in the ground. Those things don’t bother me. I’m talking about the sexual harassment and the lack of tolerance for diversity. Upon coming back to Amman, I went through a solid month of cultural depression, is that what you’d call it? I hated Amman. I hated men. I hated the 30 second walk to catch a taxi. I hated the taxi driver, who either asked me to marry him, or assumed I was a Russian prostitute. I hated it all. All I wanted to do was get on a plane going anywhere except Jordan.

I was disappointed in myself because I felt like I had failed. I felt that everyone in the past who had given me the “why the fuck are you going to Jordan” look, and wondered what I saw in the Middle East and in Arabs, won. I was questioning whether I could even live in another Arab country after this, and whether I had made the right decision staying the whole year. I thought that if I had left after the first 4 months, I would still have an optimistic and exciting summary of my time here to give to family and friends upon returning to America.

Now I realize that staying the whole year, as challenging and emotionally difficult as it is most days, is the most valuable thing I could have done for myself. I feel that if I had left with my original impression that everything is great and that the not-so-great things should just be accepted, I would have being doing myself and my education an injustice.

As corny as it sounds, there truly always will be a place in my heart for Jordan. I still have “holy shit i’m in the Middle East” moments, and find myself appreciating where I am and why I’m here. However, with a little over a month left, i’m not gonna lie...I am overjoyed to be headed to Israel. I’m ready for long hot showers, being able to wear shorts when I please, and laying on the beach without being dressed like a nun (although I do appreciate Jordanian clothing in the sense that I haven’t gotten sunburned in 8 months).

Going to go enjoy my hotel room, the first time i’ve been alone since...I don’t even know when. مع سلام